To matter

Today I had my annual OB/GYN appointment, the first after giving birth last October. I'm sure you don't want to hear all about Pap smears but there's more to this story, promise.

As I'm sitting in the doctor's office waiting...I start to think about my pregnancy. I haven't been back for a regular check-up since my post-partum appointments. So naturally I'm thinking about peeing in a cup every visit, generally being pregnant, and giving birth. I felt a little excited to see my OB/GYN whom I haven't seen since I was last in her office crying about breastfeeding. I felt an attachment to her, and I allowed myself to feel that due to the vulnerability that I experienced during my childbirth experience. 

So anyway, she comes through the door and asks if her PA student can attend the appointment. Sure, no big deal. She asks me about moving from Washington DC. I am pretty sure we've had this conversation before, but whatever. No big deal. 

After we get through the exam and medical questions, she shakes my hand and says "Nice meeting you," and breezes out the door. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. My heart flutters a little bit.

She has no idea who I am.

Seriously. 

It caught me by so much surprise that I didn't even say anything in the millisecond before she left the room. This woman helped me push for hours during childbirth. She then cut me open and with her bare hands, pulled out my brand new daughter. She was the first person in the whole wide world to touch my baby girl. She comforted my freaked out husband. She listened as I cried about breastfeeding. She gave me advice about taking care of myself. She checked and rechecked my scar. She hugged me.

So I have to wonder. Was all of that forgettable to her? Am I that forgettable? Because the experience of giving birth in many ways defined me and made me vulnerable in ways I never thought possible. I am not even close to forgetting any of it. It was one of the most important days in my entire life - the birth of my beautiful baby girl. I would never be the same after that experience. And she just forgot about it entirely. 

Now I fully understand that doctors are busy people with a lot of patients. It's been a few months, I can even understand not recognizing me right away. But this must all be in my chart, no? The fact that you personally delivered my child. That I've been coming to your 4-person practice since my 2nd trimester over a year ago. That we've met before, for crying out loud. 

So I'm left with a lot of thoughts after this. I'll just go ahead and say it: my feelings are hurt. I thought that we had a connection as doctor and patient - one that was important to me and apparently didn't exist for my doctor.  I'm sad for our healthcare system. Is this how people are normally treated on a regular basis? As though their stories, their lives don't really matter all that much?  As though we're just patients, not people? Are we all really that busy?

I'm not really sure what to do with this. Apparently I have a deeply-rooted need to matter. I think most people do, and it makes me think that we need to do better. And then it makes me wonder how I can do better in my own life. Am I guilty of the same disengagement? Is there a way to be better at being more present in life, being engaged? Connecting with others?

Insignificance

Yesterday Tom and I had to drive about 4 hours in order to drop off the van we have been borrowing from his parents.  On the way home there was a full moon. A big, bright one. The kind that makes you feel somewhat insignificant when you think about how vast the universe is, and how very small our little piece of the planet is.

Anyway, I've been thinking about what to blog about next, and I had a hard time coming up with something. I wanted it to be funny (or at least attempt) and not all about being a mom (again, attempt), and I had a hard time coming up with something.

So instead I thought I would just write a summary of my insignificant day in my insignificant life in just 10 bullets: 

1) Woke up, drank coffee, fed the baby. Passed her off to Tom (home for summer break!) for the day.
2) Worked.
3) At 5pm, drove two hours to Grayling, MI.
4) Handed every somewhat child-friendly object in the car (including my wallet and water bottles) to Violet in the backseat to make her stop squaking at me.  Not crying, really, more like yelling.  Sang "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" about 20 times at the top of my lungs. Now that's definitely crying.
5) Called Tom (driving in his parents van) to tell him that it probably wasn't smart to go on a 4-hour road trip with a teething infant. Reverted back to singing. It sort of worked.
6) Dropped off Tom's parents van, stopped for a burger, turned around to go home again. Wondered why I ate such a ginormous dinner.
7) Commented on the big, bright full moon. Wondered out loud why Violet wasn't sleeping yet, since it was well past her bedtime.
8) Suddenly smelled Violet's poop. Then let her continue to sleep in the backseat with said poop in her diaper. She was finally sleeping, all right?  Don't judge.
9) Got home at 10pm. Spent 1 hour putting Violet back to sleep as she smiled at me and tried to continually grab my hair, ear, arm, etc. While smiling and laughing, not sleeping. Finally put her to bed.
10) Went to bed.

I guess I'm thinking this would be a better list if something extraordinary had happened. Like we ordered our burgers in our best opera song-voices.  Or we passed a bank robber getting arrested on the way home.  Or Violet suddenly started referring to us as "Amanda" and "Tom" instead of "blaagghhhhghhhh" and "dadadadadadadDADADA".  Or maybe if we had gotten out of the car to look at the moon.  OR SOMETHING. 

Yesterday was a day that I probably would have forgotten about 5 or 10 years from now, since it seems that it's marked with insigificance.  But now, I guess I should be grateful for that.  Maybe the lesson is to find the significance of the small things, in the moments that seem like they don't matter.  Maybe now I will remember yesterday as a day where we remember how lucky we are.  That doesn't seem insignificant to me.  Till next time.

Love wins.

Dear Violet, 

I'm struggling to find the words today on such a historic, momentous day. Today was the day of a 5-4 Supreme Court decision in favor of marriage rights for all. I am grateful that I lived to see the day when we're one step closer to equal rights for everyone.  I sat in the car listening to NPR reporting on the decision, and I heard President Obama's words about a slightly more perfect union. My Facebook feed is full of love and rainbows, the most beautiful kind. In the car, I teared up thinking about how important the day is and what it means for the future. The world is a little bit more peaceful, a little bit kinder for now. 

But mostly, I think of you, my beautiful baby girl. 

Violet, you will grow up in a country where people can now marry the people they love. You will never remember a time when that wasn't the case, and I'm so happy for that. You won't remember the struggle for marriage rights or how many states allowed it or didn't. You won't remember a time where people lived in states as married couples only to know the next state over didn't recognize their marriage. You won't remember when people weren't allowed to visit their loved ones in hospitals. You won't really know the injustice many people faced within the system, and you may not know the people who fought for marriage equality.

Maybe you will read about this day, June 26th, 2015 in your history book. You will take marriage equality for granted, and in some ways, that is the way it should be, as it will just be part of your world growing up. But try to respect the path to the rights we and all people are afforded today. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness should be available for all people. 

And always remember that this doesn't mean that the fight for civil rights is over. Discrimination and injustice is real, and it happens every day. Remember to treat all people with respect, dignity, and kindness. Fight for what is right because change can be realized, even after decades of fighting. 

And mostly, for you, love who you love. I hope that you find a deep and real, lasting love with someone. You are now free, my beautiful girl, to marry whomever you want and whomever you choose. Today we celebrate that. 

Love wins. 

The Kindness of Others

Since this is a blog entitled something about kindness, I thought it would be fitting to write about kindness once in a while. I can't think of anything better to write about than the kindness Tom and I experienced after having Violet. The comfort, the food, the hugs, the laughter, the tears...when I think back to when she was born, everything is sort of neatly packaged in a blanket of kindness that others bestowed upon us. (Plus this amazing little baby who has changed our lives forever.)

First and foremost, my mom. She came over right when Violet was born and intended to stay for a week to help out. But after she asked me if I was ready for her to leave, with tears streaming down my face, I shook my head no - she stayed for another whole week to make sure that I was fed and drank enough water/tea. I seriously don't think I would have eaten anything at all for the first two weeks if she hadn't been there. While I struggled with recovering from a c-section and struggled more with breastfeeding, everything seemed better when your mom makes you a cup of tea. I'm so very grateful she was there for me during this time, so that I could focus on taking care of this new little human that demanded my attention 100% of the time. Tom's mom also came over and helped out immensely by bringing food and watching Violet so I could catch a cat nap once in a while. My sister came over to help out and cleaned the bathroom for me! 

Gramma Jane and Violet

Also, there was everyone else. Nicki came over with arms full of stuff like nursing bras and casseroles, and suggestions and helpful hints about nursing and other stuff. She and Mina both helped me sustain Violet for the first few months of her life, and I'm forever grateful. There were lots of other visits and support from afar that meant so much, whether it was a text, Facetime, or a phone call. It was a weird time - so joyful and yet so hard. I knew how lucky we were to have Violet, and I struggled to be grateful in between the lack of sleep and the overtired tears. I was lucky to have the support that I needed to get past few the first few weeks.

And not to mention, this little nugget. People say they can't imagine their lives before kids, and now I know how true that is. Every piece of it is worth it. For that laughter when you tickle her belly, for the full-face smile that you get when you smile at her. There's really nothing like it. It sounds sappy, but it's true.

This little bugger is now 8 months old!

Side note: I'm not sure when it happened that we're not supposed to space twice after periods, but I'm having a really hard time with it. I just had to go through and delete spaces throughout this entire blog entry. I'm not sure, but I think this makes me old and incompatible with change.

Blogging 2.0

The last post I wrote on here was about the earthquake in DC, which was like  4 years ago. I'm not sure why I stopped blogging exactly, well, I do know that I didn't really like the title of this blog after a while so I tried starting a couple of other blogs and assumed that this one would just fade away into internet anonymity.  But here it was the whole time.  The Little Kindness....What does that even mean? I honestly don't remember anymore. Oh.  I just re-read my first blog post. So that's what I meant. 

Anyway, I recently got invited to guest blog for a friend of mine, and here was my old blog, like an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. As I read through some of my old entries, I suddenly remembered what life used to be like. 

In the last 4 years, we had a baby girl named Violet, and we moved back to Michigan. We both got new jobs, and we bought a house in East Lansing. If I've learned anything at all, it's that life changes a whole lot when you have a baby. So I figure it's time to update my life goals from this blog post. Here goes nothing. 

#1.  Get a raise.  Sort of accomplished this. Can I take a nap now?

#2.  Move to Asia.    Shower regularly.  I kid, I kid.  Kind of.     

#3.  Raise funds for Asia. diapers. 

#4.  Become a morning person.  Check.  One of the benefits of having a baby. 

#5.  Lose 5 pounds.  Mm, maybe 10.  This sounds familiar.

#6.  Read more books. YES!

#7.  Become a photographer. better friend.

#8.  Become a professional blogger.  Still trying...

#9.  Make crafts every day.  once a year. 

#10.  Adopt some babies.  Sure, why not?    

#11.  Be on the special “I bring gifts for you” list.  You gotta have goals. 

#12.  Get a PhD.  Oddly enough, I just said this the other day. 

#13.  Look older so people stop asking me, “Are you a student?” Hm, this doesn't happen anymore.

#14.  Get a medical/law degree.  Either way is fine.  more sleep.

#15.  Move to the countryside.  Well, we moved to Michigan. Then move back to the city.  Someday. 

#16.  Become famous.  a better person. 

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's....an earthquake?

Yes, that's right.  If you haven't heard by now, there was an earthquake in DC.  Although nothing earth-shattering, it did cause several somewhat minor revelations that I thought I might share: 

1) When I woke up yesterday morning, I didn't think to myself that the day was going to be any different or any more special than any other day.  I just woke up and went to work like I do 5 days a week.  I didn't wear anything special or do my hair any differently or wear my nicest pair of underwear.  But...yesterday was different because there was an earthquake.  In DC.  Weird. 

So it begs the question, would we do things differently if we knew ahead of time that the day was going to turn our differently?  I, for one, would have worked a little harder in the morning if I had known I was going to be made to stand outside for over an hour.   I also might have timed my lunch a little differently so I could have used that hour to eat instead of standing outside staring at our building waiting for it to do something other than stand there.  I would have made sure to say 'I love you' to everyone I love, just in case.  Yes, I know, I know, no one was hurt or killed in yesterday's craziness, but when you're in a windowless office and everything starts to shake and you can feel the whole building move and you have no idea why, these are the things that run through your head.  Or my head, I should say. 

2) If a bird shits on your head right after an earthquake, it's gotta be good luck, right?  That's what I'm hoping because it was super gross.  Ewww...

3) If there's an earthquake, you're not actually supposed to evacuate the building you're in.  Who knew?  California peeps....give me a midwest girl a break, we're not used to these things!  The ground is NOT supposed to move! 

4) Work isn't that important.  It's important, but it isn't that important.  You should probably go and drink red wine with your co-workers instead of working late. 

 

5) If you find a dead mouse under your bed the day of an earthquake, it probably doesn't mean anything except that you had a really weird and gross day.  If you want to know how and why we knew it was there, you'll have to ask.  It's too gross to write about.  Also, I should always remember to thank my husband for removing dead mouse without making me look at it. 

6)  If you walk into a co-worker's office and say things like, "Are we doing to die?",  people are going to take you very, very seriously.  By the end of the day, the entire office is going to know about your reaction and that you were the one asking about your own impending death.  Now everyone thinks you're either a) a  serious drama queen or b) very scared of earth quakes.  Or both, I suppose. 

6) Earthquakes in places where there aren't normally earth quakes result in several things: 

a) a lot of really confused people looking up at buildings who should have probably just crawled under their desk or stood in a hallway

b) a lot of really confused people using their cell phones to call everyone they know to make sure they know they're alive and then getting upset that their cell phone network doesn't work

c) a lot of really confused people wandering around the streets of DC saying, "What was that?"  Was that an earthquake?" 

d) An abundant amount of news stories of confused people telling their earthquake story, which inevitably starts with, "Well, I was sitting at my desk in my office when...."  and ends in an extremely anti-climatic manner since it really wasn't that big of deal. 

7)  If you have to stand outside your building staring at it for over an hour, that prolly entitles you to a mid-day beer.  Just sayin...

But I have to say, I am very, very glad that I am still alive and that it wasn't a big deal. 

can i get a ride?

I don’t take taxis that often in DC because my pocket book isn’t a big fan, and I happen to be a big fan of public transportation – or walking. But from time to time, when life necessitates it, I’ll flag one down.  Like yesterday, when I needed to get from Reagan Airport to Dulles. 

Now I like a good conversation.  I appreciate a friendly banter and learning things from different perspectives.   Which I why I usually enjoy taking a taxi from time to time.  It’s interesting to hear about people’s lives and where they came from. 

I remember once having the most hilarious taxi driver in Ghana, who was obsessed with WWF and spent the entire drive telling us, or rather, yelling in a very animated manner,  about the different fighters, who’s who, who beat who, etc.  If I remember correctly, I was with my friend, Ryan, who quickly realized that the taxi driver was watching very, very old episodes and was clearly shocked and appalled to hear the news Ryan was telling him about his favorite wrestlers.  This may or may not have been the same taxi driver that broke down about ten minutes into our ride – but I really can’t be sure. 

Anyhoos, I have come to realize recently that I HATE being lectured by cab drivers.  The last cab driver told me all about his eating habits and how he doesn’t eat anything that he doesn’t make for himself because it’s disgusting to do anything otherwise.  Even Subway, the restaurant that totes being “fresh” – you are just never quite sure where that little piece of microwaved chicken came from.  Although this tirade went on for about 45 minutes, in the end, I admit he was right.  It is kind of gross.  I haven’t had a chicken sub since. 

Point 1: Cab driver

But then he went on to tell me all about God and our sins and how I should behave in life. Ugh.  I may or may not agree with you, but I don’t appreciate being proselytized to.  I love a good conversation about religion and am willing to discuss this from all viewpoints, but I really don’t like being told what I should believe. 

Point 2:  Me

Yesterday, I got into a taxi cab with a FEMALE DRIVER.  That was awesome.  I have often wondered why there are not more female drivers, and I’m fairly certain this was my very first ride.  She got into an argument with the man at the airport that was directing people to cabs. I have to think that being a female cab driver in a male-dominated business would have its difficulties.   When I got into the car, she told me that this man doesn’t treat cab drivers with respect, and she thought that someone needed to tell him.  So she did.  Apparently, it didn’t go over that well, but serious props for sticking up for herself. 

Point 3:  Cab driver

This cab driver was born in Eritrea.  She asked me where I was coming from and where I was going.  When I told her I was in public health and was traveling to India, she told me that it was good I was going to do that because there are so many countries where people are dirty.  Even Indian people here are dirty because they don’t know how to clean themselves properly.  See, third world countries, even if people can speak English, they still need the Western influence to come in and tell them how to do things. 

Really?! 

                Point 4:  Me.  That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. 

She then asked me how many times I am able to visit my family since I had just come from Wisconsin.  I said, maybe twice a year or so.  Then she told me about how her parents died in Eritrea, and she saw them just once before they died.  It had been 18 years since she had last seen them. She said to me, “You are very lucky.”  “Sometimes you need to compare your life to others in order to see how lucky you are.” 

Now the next point is up for grabs because I can’t decide who to give it to.  The thing is, she’s right.  I know she’s right.  I told her she is right.  Sometimes you do need to step back and look at how lucky you are.  But for some reason, this didn’t go over that well with me. Maybe I was annoyed about her running commentary about third world countries.   Although we all need to hear things like this from time to time, including me, please don’t assume that I don’t know anything about life or that I’ve never heard of Eritrea or that I don’t know what is happening in Africa.   Please don’t assume that I do not consider myself lucky or haven’t met people along the way who have reminded me of that.  In fact, I have met a lot of people along the way who have reminded me of that fact. You don’t have to travel across to world to see that, you just need to open your eyes every day.   Even though I don’t always remember it, I try.

So why did I react so negatively?  Maybe it was just her approach.  I am lucky that I can drive home to see my parents.  Or I can fly home.  Or they can visit me.  Or we can chat on the phone without the phone cutting out or having to walk into town to use the phone or not having enough money to make the call. 

 In her life, she met a man in Yemen who brought her to the United States.  After a year, he had to return. She decided to stay and knows that this is the right place for her to be.  She told me that people in our lives serve always serve some type of purpose, and then they leave after serving that purpose.  That man had served his purpose.  She never heard from him again.

So I guess that this cab driver, despite my crabbiness, served her purpose in my life by telling me to get my head out of my ass and take a look around.  I am on my way to India.  I am lucky.  I may feel that I am overworked and over tired and don’t have enough time to do everything, but I have so much to be thankful for.   Although she was right in the end, she might need to work on her delivery.

Also, she served her purpose in reminding me of acceptance –of cultures, practices, beliefs, things we don’t understand, etc.  She reminded me that we all need to be careful of judgments we make about other people, sometimes even without realizing.