Baby you're a firework. Or something.

I meant to write about this around the 4th of July. It is now August, and I haven't gotten around to it. But better late than never, right?

We spent the 4th of July at my parent's lake house in Wisconsin. Which was awesome and relaxing and beautiful. And then we celebrated the 4th by watching the neighbor shoot off fireworks across the lake. These are some pretty serious fireworks - these people aren't just shooting off bottle-rockets and calling it a night. They're probably spending thousands of dollars on fireworks, and we enjoyed them from the pier for free.  Ah, America.

Anyway, it always gets me thinking. What in the world is with this obsession of fireworks on the 4th of July? Where does it come from? Why do we do it? It also makes me stop and pause for all of those people who have fought or lived through a war. This must be the worst time of year for some people. I honestly don't think there's anywhere in America you can go to avoid fireworks around the 4th. I wish we had firework-free zones for those who choose to not participate for whatever reason.

Ok, so after a bit of research online (so it must be true), it appears fireworks originated in China (or maybe India) in the 7th century.  That's a long time ago. So we've been fascinated with colored fire for a long ass time. Also, apparently, our obsession in America started with John Adams in the late 1700s, who suggested we celebrate with colored fire as well.

But what kills me is not the sound, sight, or light of these fireworks.  It's the MONEY.  Imagine how many thousands (millions?) of dollars are spent every year on fireworks in this country. I understand that someone is making them and selling them and making money from this venture, but think about what else we could be spending this money on instead? We could hire more teachers or social workers in our schools that need them. We could put money towards healthcare for those who are underinsured. We could put it almost anywhere except for 20 minutes of staring at the sky watching things explode. I'm just sayin'.

I remember coming home from Peace Corps in 2006 and feeling this way. I left my job at Hefner's Frozen Custard and met up with my family at the fireworks in Cedarburg. I couldn't find them since I was a bit late, and the fireworks had already started. I just sort of sat there by myself, in total awe of the kinds of things that we think are important in life. I had just left a country where people couldn't get medication to stay alive, and here we are blowing up things and spending money like it's going out of style. It was hard to swallow.

But alas, the older I get...something changes. I'm trying to remind myself of my youth and idealism. I'm trying to remember what the rest of the world is like, and I want to make sure that Violet grows up learning about the world from this perspective. Not that we should always feel guilty, but that we should be self-aware and make informed decisions about the way we want to live our lives. I'm choosing to live my life remembering what life is like for others. So I guess that's why I wrote an entire blog post about fireworks.

Top 10 Peace Corps

It's been almost 10 years since I finished my Peace Corps service in Botswana. Which is crazy. But also interesting - as time passes, you talk about it and think about it less and less. You get less angry that nobody wants to see your millions of pictures. It comes up in passing such as "Oh, I missed that TV show because I was in the Peace Corps when it came out" or "Oh, I missed her wedding because I was in Peace Corps." But trust me, it's not like you're busting out your photos every other day or reminiscing on the reg. 

So I thought I'd take a minute and think about Peace Corps. Even though it's not part of my every day life overtly, it did change me in many ways. On a serious note, I think about HIV/AIDS a lot differently. With a job assignment specific to HIV/AIDS, I spent a lot of time thinking about it. And I met lots of people who are HIV positive, and I also watched many people die as a result. It is not some big abstract thing - it's very real and affected people that I knew and saw every day. I'm glad to read about strides that Botswana has taken in the past ten years on HIV prevention.

On a less serious note, I learned to appreciate the small unlikely things in life as a result of my Peace Corps tour. I won't bother to mention things like washing machines or running water because, well, that's just a given. In no particular order, here are the top 10 things I learned to appreciate in Peace Corps.

1. Ziplock bags. Do you have any idea how valuable these suckers are? I cringe every time I throw one away and try to think of ways that I can reuse it.

2. Opposable thumbs. When you spend an entire day trying to get by without thumbs, you appreciate them more than you would think. They really are a big deal.

3. Even though I may not keep up with everyone I met during my time in Peace Corps, new friendships changed my life. Different kinds of friendship - but all impactful. I'm not sure that I could ever find the words to express this to all the people who fall into this category.

4. Tortillas. Did you know you can make them by using flour and water and a wine bottle?  Crucial when you live in the bush. So was wine, apparently.

5. I read enough books to fill a small library during my Peace Corps service. I miss that.

6. Music. I loved listening to music that I brought with me but also listening to music from the region. Southern Africa has fantastic music!

7. Passions, the soap opera.  I'll never forget the way my host mother loved watching that show every day at 5:00 on Botswana Television. She didn't even speak English but loved that damn show. I'll admit I got into it. The Timmy doll freaked me out.

8. Elephants in the middle of the road. Ok, that's not really a small thing. It's freakin' awesome, and it never got old.

9. A nice bar of chocolate. Because that's just about the best thing you can bring to a Peace Corps Volunteer living in the middle of nowhere. Thank you, random dude, passing through Shakawe for understanding.

10. The chance to really experience living in a different culture for so long that you start to really get it. I don't think there's anything else like Peace Corps for that experience alone.  Not such a small thing, but totally amazing. And hard. And everything else in between.

Also, did I mention chakalaka?  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakalaka

 

To matter

Today I had my annual OB/GYN appointment, the first after giving birth last October. I'm sure you don't want to hear all about Pap smears but there's more to this story, promise.

As I'm sitting in the doctor's office waiting...I start to think about my pregnancy. I haven't been back for a regular check-up since my post-partum appointments. So naturally I'm thinking about peeing in a cup every visit, generally being pregnant, and giving birth. I felt a little excited to see my OB/GYN whom I haven't seen since I was last in her office crying about breastfeeding. I felt an attachment to her, and I allowed myself to feel that due to the vulnerability that I experienced during my childbirth experience. 

So anyway, she comes through the door and asks if her PA student can attend the appointment. Sure, no big deal. She asks me about moving from Washington DC. I am pretty sure we've had this conversation before, but whatever. No big deal. 

After we get through the exam and medical questions, she shakes my hand and says "Nice meeting you," and breezes out the door. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. My heart flutters a little bit.

She has no idea who I am.

Seriously. 

It caught me by so much surprise that I didn't even say anything in the millisecond before she left the room. This woman helped me push for hours during childbirth. She then cut me open and with her bare hands, pulled out my brand new daughter. She was the first person in the whole wide world to touch my baby girl. She comforted my freaked out husband. She listened as I cried about breastfeeding. She gave me advice about taking care of myself. She checked and rechecked my scar. She hugged me.

So I have to wonder. Was all of that forgettable to her? Am I that forgettable? Because the experience of giving birth in many ways defined me and made me vulnerable in ways I never thought possible. I am not even close to forgetting any of it. It was one of the most important days in my entire life - the birth of my beautiful baby girl. I would never be the same after that experience. And she just forgot about it entirely. 

Now I fully understand that doctors are busy people with a lot of patients. It's been a few months, I can even understand not recognizing me right away. But this must all be in my chart, no? The fact that you personally delivered my child. That I've been coming to your 4-person practice since my 2nd trimester over a year ago. That we've met before, for crying out loud. 

So I'm left with a lot of thoughts after this. I'll just go ahead and say it: my feelings are hurt. I thought that we had a connection as doctor and patient - one that was important to me and apparently didn't exist for my doctor.  I'm sad for our healthcare system. Is this how people are normally treated on a regular basis? As though their stories, their lives don't really matter all that much?  As though we're just patients, not people? Are we all really that busy?

I'm not really sure what to do with this. Apparently I have a deeply-rooted need to matter. I think most people do, and it makes me think that we need to do better. And then it makes me wonder how I can do better in my own life. Am I guilty of the same disengagement? Is there a way to be better at being more present in life, being engaged? Connecting with others?

Insignificance

Yesterday Tom and I had to drive about 4 hours in order to drop off the van we have been borrowing from his parents.  On the way home there was a full moon. A big, bright one. The kind that makes you feel somewhat insignificant when you think about how vast the universe is, and how very small our little piece of the planet is.

Anyway, I've been thinking about what to blog about next, and I had a hard time coming up with something. I wanted it to be funny (or at least attempt) and not all about being a mom (again, attempt), and I had a hard time coming up with something.

So instead I thought I would just write a summary of my insignificant day in my insignificant life in just 10 bullets: 

1) Woke up, drank coffee, fed the baby. Passed her off to Tom (home for summer break!) for the day.
2) Worked.
3) At 5pm, drove two hours to Grayling, MI.
4) Handed every somewhat child-friendly object in the car (including my wallet and water bottles) to Violet in the backseat to make her stop squaking at me.  Not crying, really, more like yelling.  Sang "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" about 20 times at the top of my lungs. Now that's definitely crying.
5) Called Tom (driving in his parents van) to tell him that it probably wasn't smart to go on a 4-hour road trip with a teething infant. Reverted back to singing. It sort of worked.
6) Dropped off Tom's parents van, stopped for a burger, turned around to go home again. Wondered why I ate such a ginormous dinner.
7) Commented on the big, bright full moon. Wondered out loud why Violet wasn't sleeping yet, since it was well past her bedtime.
8) Suddenly smelled Violet's poop. Then let her continue to sleep in the backseat with said poop in her diaper. She was finally sleeping, all right?  Don't judge.
9) Got home at 10pm. Spent 1 hour putting Violet back to sleep as she smiled at me and tried to continually grab my hair, ear, arm, etc. While smiling and laughing, not sleeping. Finally put her to bed.
10) Went to bed.

I guess I'm thinking this would be a better list if something extraordinary had happened. Like we ordered our burgers in our best opera song-voices.  Or we passed a bank robber getting arrested on the way home.  Or Violet suddenly started referring to us as "Amanda" and "Tom" instead of "blaagghhhhghhhh" and "dadadadadadadDADADA".  Or maybe if we had gotten out of the car to look at the moon.  OR SOMETHING. 

Yesterday was a day that I probably would have forgotten about 5 or 10 years from now, since it seems that it's marked with insigificance.  But now, I guess I should be grateful for that.  Maybe the lesson is to find the significance of the small things, in the moments that seem like they don't matter.  Maybe now I will remember yesterday as a day where we remember how lucky we are.  That doesn't seem insignificant to me.  Till next time.

Love wins.

Dear Violet, 

I'm struggling to find the words today on such a historic, momentous day. Today was the day of a 5-4 Supreme Court decision in favor of marriage rights for all. I am grateful that I lived to see the day when we're one step closer to equal rights for everyone.  I sat in the car listening to NPR reporting on the decision, and I heard President Obama's words about a slightly more perfect union. My Facebook feed is full of love and rainbows, the most beautiful kind. In the car, I teared up thinking about how important the day is and what it means for the future. The world is a little bit more peaceful, a little bit kinder for now. 

But mostly, I think of you, my beautiful baby girl. 

Violet, you will grow up in a country where people can now marry the people they love. You will never remember a time when that wasn't the case, and I'm so happy for that. You won't remember the struggle for marriage rights or how many states allowed it or didn't. You won't remember a time where people lived in states as married couples only to know the next state over didn't recognize their marriage. You won't remember when people weren't allowed to visit their loved ones in hospitals. You won't really know the injustice many people faced within the system, and you may not know the people who fought for marriage equality.

Maybe you will read about this day, June 26th, 2015 in your history book. You will take marriage equality for granted, and in some ways, that is the way it should be, as it will just be part of your world growing up. But try to respect the path to the rights we and all people are afforded today. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness should be available for all people. 

And always remember that this doesn't mean that the fight for civil rights is over. Discrimination and injustice is real, and it happens every day. Remember to treat all people with respect, dignity, and kindness. Fight for what is right because change can be realized, even after decades of fighting. 

And mostly, for you, love who you love. I hope that you find a deep and real, lasting love with someone. You are now free, my beautiful girl, to marry whomever you want and whomever you choose. Today we celebrate that. 

Love wins. 

The Kindness of Others

Since this is a blog entitled something about kindness, I thought it would be fitting to write about kindness once in a while. I can't think of anything better to write about than the kindness Tom and I experienced after having Violet. The comfort, the food, the hugs, the laughter, the tears...when I think back to when she was born, everything is sort of neatly packaged in a blanket of kindness that others bestowed upon us. (Plus this amazing little baby who has changed our lives forever.)

First and foremost, my mom. She came over right when Violet was born and intended to stay for a week to help out. But after she asked me if I was ready for her to leave, with tears streaming down my face, I shook my head no - she stayed for another whole week to make sure that I was fed and drank enough water/tea. I seriously don't think I would have eaten anything at all for the first two weeks if she hadn't been there. While I struggled with recovering from a c-section and struggled more with breastfeeding, everything seemed better when your mom makes you a cup of tea. I'm so very grateful she was there for me during this time, so that I could focus on taking care of this new little human that demanded my attention 100% of the time. Tom's mom also came over and helped out immensely by bringing food and watching Violet so I could catch a cat nap once in a while. My sister came over to help out and cleaned the bathroom for me! 

Gramma Jane and Violet

Also, there was everyone else. Nicki came over with arms full of stuff like nursing bras and casseroles, and suggestions and helpful hints about nursing and other stuff. She and Mina both helped me sustain Violet for the first few months of her life, and I'm forever grateful. There were lots of other visits and support from afar that meant so much, whether it was a text, Facetime, or a phone call. It was a weird time - so joyful and yet so hard. I knew how lucky we were to have Violet, and I struggled to be grateful in between the lack of sleep and the overtired tears. I was lucky to have the support that I needed to get past few the first few weeks.

And not to mention, this little nugget. People say they can't imagine their lives before kids, and now I know how true that is. Every piece of it is worth it. For that laughter when you tickle her belly, for the full-face smile that you get when you smile at her. There's really nothing like it. It sounds sappy, but it's true.

This little bugger is now 8 months old!

Side note: I'm not sure when it happened that we're not supposed to space twice after periods, but I'm having a really hard time with it. I just had to go through and delete spaces throughout this entire blog entry. I'm not sure, but I think this makes me old and incompatible with change.

Blogging 2.0

The last post I wrote on here was about the earthquake in DC, which was like  4 years ago. I'm not sure why I stopped blogging exactly, well, I do know that I didn't really like the title of this blog after a while so I tried starting a couple of other blogs and assumed that this one would just fade away into internet anonymity.  But here it was the whole time.  The Little Kindness....What does that even mean? I honestly don't remember anymore. Oh.  I just re-read my first blog post. So that's what I meant. 

Anyway, I recently got invited to guest blog for a friend of mine, and here was my old blog, like an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. As I read through some of my old entries, I suddenly remembered what life used to be like. 

In the last 4 years, we had a baby girl named Violet, and we moved back to Michigan. We both got new jobs, and we bought a house in East Lansing. If I've learned anything at all, it's that life changes a whole lot when you have a baby. So I figure it's time to update my life goals from this blog post. Here goes nothing. 

#1.  Get a raise.  Sort of accomplished this. Can I take a nap now?

#2.  Move to Asia.    Shower regularly.  I kid, I kid.  Kind of.     

#3.  Raise funds for Asia. diapers. 

#4.  Become a morning person.  Check.  One of the benefits of having a baby. 

#5.  Lose 5 pounds.  Mm, maybe 10.  This sounds familiar.

#6.  Read more books. YES!

#7.  Become a photographer. better friend.

#8.  Become a professional blogger.  Still trying...

#9.  Make crafts every day.  once a year. 

#10.  Adopt some babies.  Sure, why not?    

#11.  Be on the special “I bring gifts for you” list.  You gotta have goals. 

#12.  Get a PhD.  Oddly enough, I just said this the other day. 

#13.  Look older so people stop asking me, “Are you a student?” Hm, this doesn't happen anymore.

#14.  Get a medical/law degree.  Either way is fine.  more sleep.

#15.  Move to the countryside.  Well, we moved to Michigan. Then move back to the city.  Someday. 

#16.  Become famous.  a better person.